


[Not] in my head

by Chrissytheopal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29457954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrissytheopal/pseuds/Chrissytheopal
Summary: Written from Remus's point of view, we discover his feelings over Sirius's escape from Azkaban and Harry's arrival at Hogwarts in the third year.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 6





	[Not] in my head

June 27, 1993

Remus Lupin was having one of his quiet nights in his cottage in Yorkshire, trying his best to igmore the nauseous feeling. It was one week before the full moon and his body was showing him that he can't escape the transformation. He gripped the book he was reading harder and sighed. He lost all of his concentration. 

Suddenly, there was a knock on his front door and he jumped. He closed the book and stood up, walking silently to the door and opening it. Albus Dumbledore smiled warmly. 

"Good evening Remus, I hope I'm not interrupting anything" Dumbledore said, looking at Remus's surprised face. 

"Proffesor Dumbledore! Not at all! Come in, come in!" he moved from the doorstep and let Dumbledore go inside the house, analyzing every small detail "To what do I owe the pleasure, sir?".

He invited the eldest in the living room and offered him a chair, but Dumbledore vehemently refused. Thinking it wasn't polite to sit down, Lupin looked at Dumbledore. 

"Call me Albus, only students call me by my last name" he said, then he looked directly at Remus "I would like to have you as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher this year". 

Remus gasped, but he shook his head "I can't. I'm a werewolf. If parents find out-". 

"If they find out, I'll be dealing with them. Besides, Harry Potter is in his third year at Hogwarts. If I recall correctly, you were best friends with his father and godfather" Dumbledore said. 

Remus tensed "Don't bring James and Black into this".

Dumbledore picked up a book from the couch and opened it. He read quickly the words written on the front page and then he looked up at Remus. 

"Harry will need your protection, given the circumstances" Dumbledore said calmly. 

Remus frowned "Given the circumstances?". 

"You don't know?" Dumbledore said, almost surprised. 

When Remus shook his head, Dumbledore gave him a newspaper. On the front page there was a man with black hair, screaming at the photographer. Remus recognized him immediately and threw away the newspaper, hurrying to the closest bin and vomiting. When he was finished, he weakly looked at Dumbledore. 

"He's escaped. He escaped from Azkaban" Remus muttered under his breath. 

"Indeed" Dumbledore agreed "Maybe you won't accept my request of becoming the DADA teacher-as students call it- this year, but at least let me know if he tries contacting you. Just send me a quick owl if he unexpectedly shows up at your door". 

Dumbledore said his goodbyes and started walking to the door. As he opened it, Remus stopped him. 

"I'll do it. But under one condition. I'll get The Wolfsbane Potion every month" Remud said. 

Dumbledore smiled "Consider it done" and then he left the small house, dissappearing into the crowd of people on the alley. 

When Remus returned to the living room, he noticed the book that Dumbledore picked up was opened and on the front page were written a few words, old and almost erased. 

"You are my Moony and my sun. This is for your already smart brain, to entertain yourself with a good read. I love you so much. Happy birthday, my love! P. S. Lily helped me choose it, don't worry. Love, Sirius Black, 1976".

*** 

Over the summer, Remus could not let the windows uncovered, because of am awful feeling that he was being watched. Other than that, everything was great. Dumbledore sent him two Wolfsbane Potions after their meeting and though he requested them once the year begun, he couldn't help the relief of not turning into a monster. 

He read the news every day and all he saw was hate to Sirius Black. He wondered if he made a big mistake by accepting to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts to his best friend's son, whom he hadn't seen since the boy was a baby. Still, he wanted to go to Hogwarts and meet Harry. 

A few days before his departure to Hogwarts, Remus visited The Godric's Hollow. He went to James and Lily's now ruined house and smiled, remembering the way the house used to radiate joy. He checked if someone was looking, and then he jumped the fence and entered the house. 

Remus went upstairs, to James and Lily's bedroom and looked around. He went to the desk— Lily's desk— and looked at the framed photos of his friends and Harry. He saw a framed photo of Sirius and James, who were smiling at the camera. Remus took the photo from its frame and shoved it into his pocket. He wandered through the house and remembered his friends, all killed by his ex-fiancée. 

He sat on the couch from James and Lily's living room and sighed. He took out the photo and looked at Sirius's face. The murderer. The betrayer. The man Remus fell in love with in fifth year. The man who touched him for the first time. The man who kissed and hugged him, who made him laugh. Remus trusted Sirius more than he would ever admit. They were in love. At least, that's what Remus thought. 

Remus was damn sure he moved down. Sirius was dead to him. But still, he couldn't help the warm feeling that filled him every time he thought about that man. The murderer. He killed his friends and he would never forgive him. Because of him, Remus had nobody for 12 years. He rarely left the house and his fridge was almost empty. He lived from his parents's heritage, because nobody hired a werewolf. 

No, he wasn't in love with Sirius anymore. He was sure. 

*** 

Waking up on the train, to the sound of some kids talking loudly in the same compartment as him, was definitely not fun. He shushed them, exactly when a Dementor opened the door. In a second he took out his wand and invoked his Patronus then he said some words him himself could not hear, making the Dementor go away. Still, one of the boys passed out. If it wasn't for his Patronus light, he couldn't have seen him passing out.

After a few moments, the lights were back and the Hogwarts Express started moving again. He analysed the kids in the compartment. Two redheads, a boy and a girl, two brunette boys, a chubby one and the kid who passed out, and a girl with brown, bushy hair. 

When the boy woke up, Remus felt like the world started spinning. It was James. No, it wasn't James. His eyes were green. Lily. The boy was James's son and he looked just like his friend. Not wanting to be caught staring, he took out a chocolate and broke into into pieces, giving Harry the larger one. 

"Eat it. It'll help" he said, and Harry took the chocolate, but didn't take a bite. 

"What was that thing?" Harry asked him. 

Remus's heart clenched. Even his voice sounded like James's. 

"A Dementor" he said, and gave the other kids chocolate "One of the Dementors from Azkaban. But don't worry, he's gone now".

Harry and his friends stared at him, but finally ate the chocolate. Remus excused himself and left the compartment, only to spend the rest of the ride in the same compartment as the lady with the trolley. 

***

As February arrived, Remus felt more alone than ever. He was teaching Harry how to make a Patronus and though he was so close to his best friend's son, he felt like he was far away from him. Harry told him many things. About his classes, his teacher, about the fact that Ron and Hermione were angry at each other, because Hermione's cat probably killed Scabbers, Ron's rat. Remus remembered the rat, as he saw it one morning with Ron, at breakfast. One finger was missing and Harry said that Ron's brother Percy, Scabbers's first owner, probably cut it by mistake. 

Remus didn't question anything, although the rat looked like the animagus form of his school friend, Peter. But he knew it was impossible, since Sirius killed him. Still, he smiled when he remembered his friends. 

Two days before Valentine's Day, he confiscated from Harry a very special item. The Marauders Map. Harry didn't know he created the map with the boy's father, of course, and Remus believed it was better that way. He decided to give it a shot, to spy on people as he used to with his friends all those years ago. When he was ready to open it, he decided it wasn't good to live in the past, so he let it be. 

In March, he decided to pay Dumbledore a visit. He knocked at the door and the old man let him in, inviting him to drink tea with him. Remus told him he wanted to talk, because he had nobody to talk to, and Dumbledore let him speak everything. 

"Thank you for your kindness, Albus. Well, I haven't been feeling well lately. And it's all about Black. You know, in school I was friends with Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. Me and Sirius were particularly close, but not as friends. I don't think you would understand, but I like men."

Albus gave him a warm smile "I understand, actually. Continue. You and Black were a couple?" 

Remus gave him a nod "Indeed we were. We loved each other. At least that's what I think. I'm wondering if his words meant anything. Anyways, before James and Lily's death, we got engaged. We wanted to get married in December 1981. You see, the night Harry became an orphan, he wasn't the only one to loose somebody. I lost my best friends, James and Peter, my fiancée and my future bridesmaid, Lily, who was the only woman, beside my mother, who understood me. And that year I also lost my parents. That night I lost everything. And you didn't even let me take Harry in. I would have raised him surrounded by magic, by love. I heard about his aunt and uncle and I know they're not the best people. And now, that Sirius escaped and that Harry is so close to me but also so far away, I'm lost and alone. I tried to convince myself that I hate Sirius for what he's done, for killing our friends, but I can't. After everything, I still love him fiercely."

He didn't realized he was crying until he felt the tears on him face. He took a deep breath and looked at Albus's sad smile. 

"I'm sorry, Remus, but you know, deep down, that you couldn't have taken care of Harry. I saw you at the Potter's funeral. You were a wreck. A child would have wounded you more. And Remus, if you want to talk to Sirius, I promise that once we get him, I will move the sun and the moon just so you can have a few moments with him. It's the least I can do."

"Thank you, Albus" he said fondly. 

In the afternoon of june 6-th, he opened the Marauders Map for the first time since school. He spotted Harry, Ron and Hermione's names at Hagrid's hut and was ready to roll his eyes at their talent of breaking the rules, when he saw another name next to Ron.

Peter Pettigrew.

He felt his head starting to spin. Maybe, just maybe, the map was lying, he thought. But he realized it was impossible, since him and his friends created it to not lie. He took a deep breath and looked again at the map. 

The name was still on the map. He realized he was very close to Ron. Then, he remembered Harry's words. How Ron had a rat, who was missing a finger, as a pet and how the only thing the Aurors could find from Peter when Sirius killed all those muggles, was a finger. He started rethinking everything. 

That night, after Sirius got imprisoned, Remus went to Peter's house and realized it was a mess. But certain things like books, photo frames and candles were still intact. 

Remus looked back at the Map, feeling his heart leaving his chest. The Trio and Peter were going to the Castle, when suddenly Sirius's name was moving fast towards them and started dragging Ron and Peter to the Whomping Willow. He abandoned the Map and started running to the Whomping Willow. When he was walking down the stairs, he paused and smiled. He knew now that Sirius was innocent. 

He made the door explode and entered the room the five people were in. Disarming everyone, he analysed each and one of them and then he looked at Sirius. The black haired man looked at him surprised, hid eyes glittering with sadness and emotion, but it lasted for a few seconds, as his face was blank once again. 

"Where is he, Sirius?" 

Sirius was still staring at him, but he pointed his hand at Ron. Lupin looked at the ginger teenager and he saw the rat Ron was holding. He suddenly felt like he knew nothing. 

"But then...why hasn't he showed himself before now?" Remus said, and something clicked inside of him. He was one of the many people who knew Sirius was the Potter's Secret Keeper "Unless...unless he was the one...unless you switched...without telling me...? Oh, what did you do, Sirius?" 

In the next hour, him and Sirius— mostly Sirius— explained the kids what was going on. But it wasn't everything, he knew it. If Sirius was going to be free, Remus would ask him about it. They both wanted to kill Peter after they got an explanation from the former rat, and they were ready to do it, but Harry stopped him. And for a second, just for a second, Remus— and he was sure Sirius too— saw James. 

He couldn't remember the rest of the night, as he turned into a werewolf. The whole school knew about his condition, because Snape let it slip. So he resigned from his post as a DADA teacher. He left the next morning, before the students. 

When he got home, he wondered if Sirius was now living at Grimmauld Place. He had to speak to him and see if they would broke up or get back together. For the first time in a decade, he put on his engagement ring. 

Three days later, he found himself knocking at Grimmauld Place's door, not even knowing if Sirius was living there. Still, he was happy when the man opened the door. He invited him in and Remus sat on the couch and let Sirius's smell invade his nose. 

"To what do I owe the pleasure, mr. Lupin?" Sirius asked, his eyes blank. 

Remus sighed and looked at Sirius. 

"Don't do this, Sirius. Don't act like it's my fault. Because it's not and you know it" 

Sirius swallowed hard "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about everything..."

"It's not your fault either. But I want to know about that night. You left after I fell asleep. Why did you leave and how did you know to go to Peter's?" 

Sirius poured them Whisky in two glasses "That morning I got a letter from James and asked me if I could check on Peter, as he hadn't heard from him in a few days. I wanted to refuse, thinking he was just drinking a lot in his hiding place. But it was James, my best mate, and Peter was their Secret Keeper, so he had to be safe...I couldn't say no. I didn't want to worry you, so I went to check on him after you fell asleep. He was gone when I got there. There was no sign of struggle."

Remus interrupted him "About that...when I found out in the morning what had happened, I went to his hiding place but it was destroyed. Still, the things he cared about were intact. I should have realized that it was a scam... I'm so stupid... I abandoned you, I believed what everyone said, I believed you were a— I can't say it". 

"It's alright, Moony. I understand. And you couldn't have realized it was a trick. I only figured it out when it was too late. Don't blame yourself" Sirius said, and smiled. 

"Yeah...what happened after you went to check on him?" 

"I set out for James's house. I remember arriving on the motorcycle in front of the house and seeing it was destroyed. I realised what Peter had done. But I hoped they were still alive, that they escaped somehow. And I went upstairs and I found James's body first, on the stairs. I remember bursting into tears and hugging his lifeless body. And then I heard another cry. A baby. Suddenly, all the pain I was feeling was gone. I felt hope. And I went into Harry's room, only to see Harry crying and Lily next to his crib, dead. I had to take a very deep breath to stop myself from bursting into tears once again. I took Harry in my arms and he...he immediately calmed down" Sirius smiled and bit his lip "and in that moment I knew I would do anything to keep him safe, including killing Peter. I knew Voldemort would return. So after I gave Harry to Hagrid, who had just arrived at the Potter's house, and offered him my motorcycle, I went to see him at the bar. That's when he started screaming that I killed James and Lily. And then he killed all those muggles with a single spell, cut his own finger, stained his clothes with blood, turned into a rat and ran away. The rest is history" Sirius sighed and looked at Remus "I wish I would have gotten a trial, so I could tell everybody the truth about Peter, to tell you". 

"Sirius, I...I forced myself to hate you all these years. But I couldn't, because every inch of my body belongs to you, because I love you more than you could ever imagine. And deep down, I knew you were innocent. I just chose to believe others. I'm so terribly sorry. I really am" Remus said, tears shinning in his eyes. 

Sirius stared at him and moved closer, then he hugged him tight. Surprised, Remus widened his eyes but hugged him back. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I can't imagine what it must have been like. Loosing your parents, your friends, your fiancée...I'm mad at myself for being so selfish and for leaving you alone. And I love you too, Moony. I always did and I always will. Nothing will change that" Sirius stated, and then he broke the hug and kissed him fiercely. 

Remus kissed back, but after a few moments he stopped him "I want you to marry me. I will ask Dumbledore to officiate the wedding or I will find someone useful that we can trust. And we can invite Harry. I just want to marry you. So...will you?". 

Sirius smiled and kissed him again "Of course I will, my love". 

After 12 years, Remus didn't feel lonely anymore. 

***

To be continued...

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued...


End file.
